


Millenials are killing the porn industry

by Prim_the_Amazing



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, kai and tucker are filthy soulmates, kai is a business woman, written pre s16 so au in which tucker is less of a weenie i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 11:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14591799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prim_the_Amazing/pseuds/Prim_the_Amazing
Summary: “We’re gonna be motherfucking gazillionaires,” she says excitedly, that familiar excited gleam in her brown eyes at the possibility of making a shitload of cash. Tucker’s gonna have to be careful and make sure that she doesn’t escalate this venture to its maximum possible limits and end up being in charge of a porn empire. She has that tendency.





	Millenials are killing the porn industry

“We’re, like, geniuses,” Kai says. 

“Like Einstein except sexier,” Tucker agrees. 

“Harvard graduates of fucking.” 

“With Bachelors in screwing and Masters in making love.” 

“We’re gonna be motherfucking  _ gazillionaires,”  _ she says excitedly, that familiar excited gleam in her brown eyes at the possibility of making a shitload of cash. Tucker’s gonna have to be careful and make sure that she doesn’t escalate this venture to its maximum possible limits and end up being in charge of a porn empire. She has that tendency. 

“Who  _ wouldn’t _ want to buy porn of the two of us?” he says, gesturing first down at his own hot bod, and then Kai’s hot bod. 

“No one in their right fucking minds is who!” 

“Damn straight! We’re hotter than an evil villain volcano lair!” 

“Hotter than a box canyon in the middle of nowhere!” 

“Hotter than wearing a full body leather dom suit in June!” 

“Hotter than a planet being glassed!” 

“Due to political interspecies tension lets maybe not go there!” It’s hard to shake being a Sangheili-human ambassador and a symbol of peace sometimes. 

“We’ll never have to do real work again!” she cheers, undaunted. “We can just fuck every day for the rest of our lives like we were gonna do anyways!”

“We just have to point a camera at the bed first,” he says. 

“And the kitchen counter,” she adds. 

“And the showers.” 

“And the supply closet.” 

“And the beach when we’re alone.”

“And the couch when everyone else is busy and probably not going to walk in on us.” 

“And Wash’s bed until he comes back from the hospital.” 

“I told you it’d be hot to do it there,” she says. 

“I’m really not sure why it is, but you were so right.” 

“I always am. Making sure the lighting looks good is probably important too, though,” she says, a thoughtful frown creasing her pretty features. “Like, whenever we do promo videos for my festivals PR makes sure that the lighting looks good on camera first before we start shooting.”

“Alright,” he agrees with a shrug. Their hot bods do have to be visible to be effective. 

“And makeup,” she says. “Makeup that’ll make us look good on film…”

“Sure.” He nods. Looking good is important and makeup can be hot on anyone, he’s learned. 

“And background music!” she cries out, smacking a fist into the palm of her hand. 

“I think I’ve got Careless Whisper on my iPod?” he suggests. 

“And editing,” she says, her eyes going wide with the realization that she’d almost forgotten something as apparently important as  _ editing. _ “And sound quality! We’re gonna need a guy to hold the boom mic!”

“Hang on--” he says, feeling like this is maybe spiraling a little bit out of his control. 

“And a stuntman!” 

“Stuntman!?” he asks. “For our porn? Are you gonna do a backflip onto my dick?” 

“That sounds fun, but no, a stuntman in porn is for when the guy can’t get it up. It’ll just be a few close up shots of his dick and--”

“Kai, what the fuck!? I get it up for you multiple times a day!” he protests indignantly. 

“Just in case! Okay so we’re gonna need a sound guy, a video editor guy, a makeup guy, a camera guy, a lighting guy, a stunt guy, a music guy-- should we just make our own site? I know a guy for that--” she says, and he realizes that she’s on a roll now and must be stopped at all costs before it’s too late. 

_ “Kai,” _ he interrupts, grabbing her by her shoulders. “You’re getting carried away. This was just supposed to be the two of us and now there’s eight other guys involved? Normally I’d be up for something like that, but I don’t want for you to end up being in charge of another huge big thing! Because one, I’d get to see you less which means less sex,” and less just straight up hanging out with Kai, which he likes a lot and doesn’t want to lose and he’s never going to admit to that because that’s not sexy that’s just  _ schmoopy, _ “and two, you told me to stop you from doing that again.  _ We have enough money. _ This is just for fun.” 

She blinks at him, looking a little shell shocked. “Uh. Right. Right!” She smacks her own forehead.”I totally forgot and got caught up in planning. Sorry.” 

“‘s alright,” he says, and then they’re looking into each other’s eyes and smiling and this feels like a moment for makeouts so he leans in for some makeouts. Kai enthusiastically agrees. 

Five minutes later and they’re somehow in the living room and tipping over onto the couch together, still making out. Kai’s like pringles: it’s impossible to stop at just one taste. He’ll fool around with her some and suddenly they’re scrambling to get each others clothes off before he knows it. It’s the opposite of a problem. 

“Should we get the camera?” she stops to ask before they really get started, breathing hard. 

He thinks about it for a moment. And then something occurs to him. “Hey, Kai?” 

“Yeah, babe?” 

“Do you ever pay for your porn?” 

“God, no.” A moment. “Wait.” 

He groans and hits his head against her shoulder. 

“It’s a dying market!” she cries out, agonized with her realization. 

“Millenials are killing the porn industry!” 

“Millenials have been dead for hundreds of years, Tucker.” 

“Whatever, it’s a meme. I’m hip. I’m a cool dad.”

She sighs. “The cameras too far away anyways.” 

“Yeah,” he agrees. “In our room. Like a full  _ minute _ of walking distance away.” 

_ “Gross,” _ she says, and so their plan to take over the porn world by storm with their overwhelming combined sex appeal is killed in its crib before it could ever truly have the chance to take off. It definitely would have worked though. “Just fuck me.” 

He does. It’s pretty great, even without a camera and hundreds upon thousands of adoring viewers. 


End file.
